A whole lot of it each and every day, to the people I find comfort and even to the ones I just meet with. It has been my trademark. They know that that kinda joke is mine.
But little did they know that it's no joke for me. Not entirely.
I always wonder if they sometimes give it a think, connect the dots and conclude the state I'm in.
But it's such a useless riddle that takes too much time to solve, and not worth it in the end.
Most of the jokes are true, though.
I am currently heartless.
If there are metaphor body scanner, my result would be obvious. I metaphorically live without the presence of a certain mental body part called "heart".
There would be a hole in my chest, precisely where "heart" supposed to rest.
I mean, it's not even fatal. I can still feel things on that hollow place. Happiness, slightly. Fun, a little. Pain, a lot and occasionally overwhelming. But I can live with that. I can also still enjoy things around me. I can still enjoy food, even though the taste is decreasing rapidly the moment it touches my tongue. The world is not turning grey for me. I can still see colors, but they're now lack of meaning. It's like the sky without clouds. Beautiful, but hollow. There are not much deep meaning in any of them, even the brightest ones. And speaking of the sky, I can barely feel the warmth of the sun anymore. It's either really cold, or burning my skin to almost crisp.
Living in the world without a heart is rather strange if I must say. You either turn blunt or live in the hell of extreme jolting pain that jab you repeatedly in that exact hollow place, then all over your body. You'll find it hard to open your eyes at times, and would rather offer your sanity to the static state that people dare to call "sleep". But in the other occasion, you would open your eyes all night, grabbing your chest tight and hold back a scream because even the smallest sound will pierce through your skull, adding an extreme amount of pain to your already hurt body and soul.
Living as a people without a heart is also full of perplexity if I must say so myself. Because you grew with morals and norms, just to question, and even ditch it later on.
I know I hurt people, but I managed to find excuses to get my mind free of my doing.
I know I mess things up, but I managed to find a way to get my mind off of the consequences.
"It's okay, people make mistakes" is one of my common reasoning.
"I'm not there to make things convenient. I'm here to make things work" is another explanation for my heartless action and words.
At times, I wonder that if this life is worth living at all. To live as a heartless person, without the beating, the added sensation across your all senses, feels too useless. I wake up every morning, counting hours and roles. I have plenty on the first, but running out of the later. There are no roles I hold that people could not replace. I am a child of happy parents, and so does my sister. I am a worker to an advertising company, but there are people who are more ready and more capable to take over my position. I am a friend for some of the people that stumbled their path across mine, but the world is not lacking 20 years old or so girl that loves metal or book.
There are nights where I lay myself on my bed and close my eyelids, wishing not to wake up to see another day.
There are days where I walk absent-mindedly on the edge of the street, questioning whether to dash myself in front of the swift cars on the street just to eliminate one more burden this world had to endure.
But I wake up either way, and I still on the sidewalk until I get home.
Deep inside my heart, I question why do I still force myself to get up and put on colors on my face
And dress myself until I meet society's standard.
Is it because I still crave to the beating of something that I used to call "heart"?
Or is it because I still wish that someday, it will grow back and fill the void that has been in my chest for so long?
I don't know.
I never fully understand what do I want, nor what am I waiting for.
What do I expect to meet in the future, that makes me want to keep on moving,
and keep on living?
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